Joy in Pain

Once again, as we travel down the road of life, we've come through something that we never planned to go through but the LORD has made us stronger because of it. In late November we found out i was pregnant, I had been fairly certain for a couple weeks, but we finally did the pregnancy test the day before thanksgiving. Oh it was so fun to announce it to friends and family, and to dream together about what it would be like to have two children!! But, the happiness was not to last long, although I can thankfully say my joy never went away. I started having some complications in the days after thanksgiving and after a sad ultrasound and a blood test to be sure, we received the word on Dec 1st that our baby was in heaven.
It's amazing to me how quickly I came to love that little tiny person with all of my heart, its been so very painful to come to grips with the reality that I'll never hold our little bud that never bloomed, on this earth. I see women that are with child and my heart aches as the thought enters my mind without permission that my belly will never grow with that little one in me, that I'll never feel his little feet kick my ribs, I'll never get to shower that little face with kisses and sing him the songs I sing to Chloe. But always on the heals of the pain and loneliness for that little one comes the reminders of Gods amazing comfort, of His sovereignty, His faithfulness and (my favorite) His steadfast love. Our little baby fulfilled his purpose on this earth, lived out his numbered days (Ps. 139:15-16) and is now in the most safest place there is, Heaven! I told Brian when we weren't sure yet if I was losing the baby, its kinda hard to pray that our baby would not go to heaven, and its true, though I miss our little one so much, I rejoice that he didn't have to endure this sinful world first. I long for heaven even more now, songs that speak of that beautiful place remind me of my little child that is there. Even though I know its a perfect place my Mothers heart hopes that someone special is there to love on and welcome our little one.

I will never forget our little "number two", there will always be a hole left in my heart. But joy straight from the grace of God surrounds me. How wonderful to know that even though we hurt, He is working out His perfect plan and His steadfast love is ever faithful! I came across this passage before we knew for sure that I had lost the baby and through this painful time it has become one of my favorites! Psalm 59:16-17

" I will sing of your strength;

i will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.

For you have been to me a fortress

and a refuge in the day of my distress.

O my strength, I will sing praises to you,

for you, oh God, are my fortress,

the God who shows me steadfast love.

I love the resolve that David displays to sing and even sing aloud to the Lord no matter what! I also love the reminder of Gods steadfast (unshakable, immovable) love, and the fact that he is our refuge and fortress!

For Christmas Brian gave me a special gift; a necklace in memory of our little one. It's a silver heart and laying through the middle of it is a rose in full bloom. He chose this as a reminder to me that though our "little bud" never bloomed on this earth, he is this very moment, a full and perfect bloom in heaven.

Lately the words to a favorite song have been ringing in my head:

"Only God knows
what He's creating in me
Only God knows
What my eyes cannot see
When I don't understand
I still believe there's a plan
That only God knows."

All I need to know is that God knows and I have joy, even in the pain.